The Journey that Brought Me Here

I broke up with the love of my life. (How’s that for a hook?)

What I’m really trying to say is that a breakup is what got me here. Technically speaking, the breakup did not actually bring me here but the breakup was the major occurrence that catalyzed a series of events in my life — both big and small. Furthermore, it influenced my journey to emotional wellness.

My journey to emotional wellness made me understand the importance of one’s emotional health in their relationship with God. This then got me on a whole crusade to see people —especially Christians — seek therapy (or counseling — depending on your comfort level with nomenclature). Therapy has the ability to help someone comb through their past so that they can surrender to God their future; it equips you with the tools you need to detangle your tangled pathology, therefore clearing your path to a vision of your purpose. You’ll be surprised by how much your childhood wounds affect your present behaviors. I know I was.

So, back to the “love of my life.”

We were together for 3 years before we split up in October of 2018. Nothing was wrong to what I could detect — at surface level anyway. I didn’t regret being with him at all. In fact, being with him was one of the most valuable experiences in my life because I learned so much. We had a very strong romantic bond and an even stronger friendship. So Danielle, why did y’all break up? Great question. The short answer? It was an unshakable conviction in my heart that it was something that God wanted me to do. The long answer? It was an unshakable conviction in my heart that it was something that God wanted me to do, because it was imperative that I didn’t bring into marriage the baggage of my past traumas. I needed to sort through the crap. Alone. And trust me, it had to be done alone.

In the final moments of our relationship I was trying to explain to him what I wanted to do and why. I must admit, the timing was COMPLETELY off as we were discussing marriage just the moment before.

~ A moment of silence as I know all the men of the world are feeling for him right now. ~

Tactless, I know. But I was explaining to him why I wanted to separate: I intended for it to be a break for a month, go to therapy, and then we can get back together and continue as usual. That was all I wanted: small break, therapy, then get back together. Simple.

It had been on my mind to do this break for a while because the year prior —Summer 2017 — I was involved with someone else during a rough patch in our relationship. It was a really dark time in my life. Me and this other person did not get as far as having sex, but that emotional tie was intense. When I finally came clean to my boyfriend at the time about my involvement, it devastated him but we worked through it. In all of our working through it, I not once sought counseling for myself and by myself. Everything was bottled in and I was a mobile powder keg.

Fast forward to Fall 2018 and I just entered my new graduate program. In meeting new people and being exposed to a different world, I grew attracted to someone else. This person shared the same level of attraction and that’s what did it for me. But Danielle liking someone else is not enough to break up with your boyfriend. Yeah, you might be right about that. However, after having worked through a significant obstacle with my partner, I felt indebted to him. Working through major forms of guilt, shame, and self-loathing, I was also working to prove to him that I would not hurt him in that way again. It produced a tension as well as the marriage of fear and guilt. Fear and guilt coming from he and I respectively. This created a subtle power dynamic of offended over the offender; and that was what undergirded the relationship. So being in a situation of attraction ultimately felt like a repeat of last year and I certainly didn’t want to do that to him twice. I now know that those two situations were starkly different, but I wouldn’t have been able to make that distinction had I not sought help.

In any case, all roads lead to that moment where I conveyed my intentions. The moment I told him everything in word vomit format, unrefined and incredibly offensive. That moment on his couch when his chest caved in upon hearing the news. That moment where it literally looked like I took all life from him. Probably one of the most painful views I have seen in my 26 years of living — and even more painful knowing that I am the one that caused a pain of this magnitude.

Naturally, that breakup lead people to pick sides. People postulated and pontificated why I did what I did. It all boiled down to the lingering question: did I break up because I actually wanted to seek help or was it because I wanted to explore other people? That question could only be answered in time; but it also served as the beginning of my learning to accept being misunderstood. When God prompts you to do something or you take a stance on what you perceive to be the RIGHT thing, you CAN NOT expect people to understand. In time, they will see your fruit.

“In time” can be as soon as tomorrow , or as long as a year or later. You have to learn to keep it pushing all the same. I had to learn to avert my focus and fix my eyes on Jesus. I leaned heavily on my community. I immersed myself in the Word and God’s presence like never before. Ultimately, whether or not my ex believed me, it was in God’s hands. His choice to believe me was not my responsibility; but it was MY responsibility to do what I set out to do.

And I did.

So that’s what this whole blog is about. You get to eat the fruits of my labor, of my wrestling in and through my pain. The aim is not to pat myself on the back and revel in my abilities to overcome adversity (although I did). The aim is to point you to the One who gave me the grace for it.

My platform is not in this breakup, as there were other areas of my life — such as my family, my physical health, and academics — that experienced a shifting simultaneously. But I believe God needed to get my attention in a very big and necessary way to teach me how to place my identity in Him and not in the things I put my security in. My security happened to be in my relationship; and for each person, security looks differently.

God needed to destabilize my pillars of “security,” to give me perspective so that I can place my assurance in the sure Foundation. God encountered me in my pain when I thought it was the end. But let me tell you: it was JUST the beginning.

So for those out there who are on day 1 or day 100 in your painful season, invite God in and He will meet you there. You may feel like today is particularly tough and there’s no particular reason to move forward. I promise you, God does not disappoint when you take the plunge and trust in Him. In Him you’ll discover that not only is it the beginning, but the best is yet to come.

Signed, Dani J.