Tearing: When Relationships Reach an Untimely Expiration
Relationships are rarely ever in black and white. Much like the persons involved, there is a variegated palette when it comes to doing life with others. Their preferences, traumas, biases, prejudices, and perspectives contribute to many shades in a relationship. So when it comes to dealing with people, you will always be dealing with a spectrum. In the same vein, we are not meant to silo ourselves; relationships are needed to navigate this world, but it’s particularly difficult to think that relationships have their seasons; especially the ones that you didn’t see ending.
(To be completely honest sometimes we can tell but ignore those crystal clear signs along the way.)
The breakups that you never saw coming are the ones that are the most devastating.
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A word of caution before I begin: relationships are a heavy and lengthy topic. There are many ways to approach situations but I will say that what leads to an end of a relationship is always perspective. I advise against calling them “truth” but instead to call them “perspective” because a situation is perceived from two separate set of eyes; you get two different accounts, two different interpretations, and a whole lot of baggage that likely skews the experience, and therefore two separate conclusions. I would not say that either person is lying, however they experienced the situation given the different variables above. You must expect that even though you are the protagonist in your own story, you are likely the antagonist in someone else’s. It does not mean you are a good or bad person, but it does show that when dealing with people, it’s not as clean cut as how we would like it.
Something that we don’t often think about — or at least fully consider — is that people will react and/or respond to our boundaries according to what they feel and that’s often unpredictable. You may be accused of being selfish and will be painted the villain, and you have no control over that. What we often lack in totality is the examination of multiple outcomes — both good and bad — because we want the outcomes to work out in our favor. Life rarely works this way. And it’s in boundary setting situations that you truly see what you and the other person is made of. And sometimes, people are just bent on misunderstanding your process as it is no longer suitable for them and can no longer exploit you the way they once could. You have to come to terms with the fact that your boundaries will not always be clean cut; leave room for nuance and give yourself grace as boundaries are rarely enforced perfectly. These enforcements sometimes fracture relationships — but it’s all information.
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In any case these were lessons learned and they are always learned from a perspective. These three situations taught me most about myself. I gave each woman a pseudonym to protect their identities.
~ Penelope ~
Penelope was the one I knew for the shortest period of time. We were acquainted with one another through a religious setting but were bonded by a similar situation that we were going through at the time. Penelope was vibrant and vivacious and we prayed for one another often. I was sure we would be lifelong friends that prayed together, but I noticed a change after I moved and got married. Her texting language changed and I almost found myself straining to keep the relationship afloat. I found it odd that she deliberately distanced herself before the relationship ran its course. I included her in life altering events in which she chose to sideline herself, but after a while I got the message. I trust that she did what was best for her and connected with the people for where she is even if I did not understand. Later on as I was evaluating relationship positioning, I realized she was not meant to be my friend: she was my assignment for a season. When you see that everyone that you connect with is not meant to be your friend, life is a bit more liberating. Some are meant to be your assignment: whether you pray them through, you support them, or help them through a season. When you realize this, you move differently. I paid dearly emotionally, but I learned.
~ Joan ~
Joan was one of my more challenging relationships. She was nice but always guarded. I felt like I had to give more of myself to show that I wanted to be friends. As very a guarded individual, I felt like I was investing with very little return. Eventually, I felt that our relationship reached a “breakthrough” moment when my partner and I at the time broke up; she expressed the desire to still be friends and I thought maybe this is the moment that our friendship would grow, and boy was I mistaken. It was a false hope as the relationship continued to be maintained by lopsided effort, and I was slowly being depleted. I appreciated this relationship, though, because I saw that this relationship triggered my trauma response of over extending myself when I perceived that someone was pulling back. My thinking was that if a person will not put in the effort, I will put in enough effort for the both of us. It leads to burnout and, truth be told, my energies are better spent in places where my energy is reciprocated. With relationships of this kind, you must be strong enough to let it run its course as it takes both sides to maintain a relationship, and if it hinges on you, it is time to let it go to make room for the friendships that allow you to make a return on your investment.
~ Leah ~
Leah showed me that just because someone is in your life for an extensive amount of time, does not mean that they really know you. I knew Leah my entire life. When it was all said and done, and the changes that were made on my end were explained, I was up against something that informed her for a while — trauma. And no one is exempt from this. Trauma allows us to form narratives or create scenarios where the narrative rings true and I could not break through. Leah taught me the unfortunate lesson that when people are used to you playing a specific role in their lives for a very long time it is difficult to conceptualize you in any other role. That is their work, not yours. The most difficult pill to swallow was the fact that she was impatient with my process when it was my turn to step into my womanhood. That is the price you pay for evolution - you must come to terms with the fact that your process will be offensive and deeply misunderstood by those who were comfortable with you being at a lower level than them. Once you progress to their levels and beyond, people move and operate differently if they are not committed to evolving themselves.
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So what do you do when a relationship comes to an untimely end?
Allow yourself to grieve. You’re not a machine: you need to allow yourself the space to process and reorient life without this individual that took up important space in your life.
Do not regret the effort you put in for those that love fully with an open heart are at peace.
Pay attention to the lesson that it taught you or else you are doomed to repeat it.
Consider repositioning that person in your life. If you are anything like me, you need the organization of categories to function in your everyday life. Categories help with managing your expectations, even if it means you have to categorize the person as “miscellaneous,” that’s okay, too.
Relationships and their evolution are a necessary part of life. You do not need to be enemies with people to recategorize them. As much as it depends on you to live peaceably with all is a form of a wealth mindset that starts from within. Happy evolving.
Signed,
Dani J.
