Misconceptions of Vulnerability
When thinking of vulnerability, we usually get one of two responses: it either elicits a vehement bodily function or it is welcomed with open arms. Either way, the effects of vulnerability are undeniable across the board. Vulnerability creates room for growth, clearer thinking, deeper self awareness, better relationships, and an enriched freedom — when done in the presence of safe people.
The unfortunate part about vulnerability, though, is that it largely gets a bad rep. When one thinks '“vulnerability” or “being vulnerable,” the words helpless, defenseless, taken advantage of, and ultimately weak come to the fore. After all, when you do a simple search of vulnerability’s definition you get the following:
the quality or state of being exposed to the possibility of being attacked or harmed, either physically or emotionally.
Terrifying, ain’t it? But let us modify the way we think of vulnerability. Yes, it requires the quality or state of being exposed, but not necessarily in harm’s way if it’s in safety. That’s largely one of the reasons why we have set boundaries: to vet the person/people you deem deserving of the delicate and sensitive side of you. That side is precious and should be reserved for safety.
But, can I tell you a secret?
* whispers *
The secret sauce to the most fulfilling, sustaining, and life giving relationships is vulnerability. Taking it a step further: the key to deep — and permanent — healing is vulnerability.
Below I list and tackle some of the most common yet harmful misconceptions regarding vulnerability. My intention and prayer is that it begins to dispel the fears you hold surrounding such a challenging yet rewarding relationship building device.
Vulnerability is weak. Au contraire, vulnerability is incredibly strong. It takes grit (and guts) to be open and completely honest about your inner thoughts, your insecurities, your deepest fears, or your secret shame. Vulnerability is the ability to take your mask off and lay down all defenses (including the proverbial secret knives in your sock) to let another human being have a front row seat to all of your imperfections. That is far from weak. I often find that those who refuse to be vulnerable consequently lack both the tools to be resilient and the experience to develop a thick skin. The good news is that resilience and a thick skin are built not inherited, however they are both a choice.
Vulnerability means that you have to share everything. Ever. Absolutely not. You can be selective in your vulnerability. Now, I don’t mean to lie. That is to say that specific bits of information need not be shared if you do not feel comfortable. Vulnerability is a conscientious decision to share those pieces of precious information about yourself. It is an honor for the hearer, not an obligation to the hearer. It is a choice. But know this: the choice will determine the level of depth in your relationship(s); if you crave depth, you must share — and go — in depth.
When you share, that means the issue is no longer an issue. False (in all my Dwight Schrute-ness). When you share, you are strong enough to no longer make it a central struggle. Quite frankly, sometimes it still is an active struggle; but you have amassed enough knowledge, skills, and resources to both overcome it and know that you need some positive reinforcements from community to not go through it alone. You are wiser. You are smarter. But it just doesn’t go away.
A little note on that when approaching influencers, speakers, or anyone in the public eye: You do not completely know someone just because they share a portion of their life on their platform; therefore, hold out on passing judgement. Audiences seem to forget that what people share is a fraction of their life. We don’t know everything, which means your opinion will always be uninformed. Their platform is a point of connection which means you don’t know them personally… until you know them personally. Remember: vulnerability is selective, especially on open platforms such as these. Humanizing influencers help us reinforce the fact that they are both still human and still learning — they just have the disadvantage of being under the microscope, at the expense of their privacy, but for your personal benefit.
Being vulnerable means that you are fearless. Fam, quite they opposite. In fact the primary opposition to vulnerability is fear. Being vulnerable requires that you push through your fears every time.
Vulnerability comes easy. It takes practice and the work is grueling. It takes substantial amounts of practice to build vocabulary about how we feel, the changes we have experienced, and the changes we are going through. Allowing for our hearts and minds to connect at our mouths takes numerous attempts to first be comfortable, and second, to accurately convey.
Vulnerability means that you have arrived. No one ever arrives. And I mean no one. I always say that healing/vulnerability is always in the present progressive tense. As long as you are on this side of eternity, you are always learning something. The person that is brave enough to lay their hearts bare are the ones who dare to progress.
Vulnerability means that you are detached from telling your story. Yes and no. I mean, there is an enjoyment from telling our story when we see how it contributes to another’s freedom, healing, process, and progress. The storyteller gets freedom with every chance to share their story. But it’s also an excruciating death. There is a death every time we fix our instrument to convey our stories. But through that death is a little bit of life because that is one less hold that our shame, mistakes, or stories have over us. It’s a constant battle between self-preservation and self-mutilation taking place in order for you to connect to the raconteur.
Tips BEFORE you are vulnerable to a person/people:
Your identity must be secure. If your identity is married to a person or a thing then it will leave room for much disappointment and heartbreak. People and things are fickle and are ever changing, and that’s the only consistent characteristic.
Be sure to monitor the motive behind your vulnerability; it should neither be for the approval of someone nor out of any fears. Your vulnerability should be a point of connection with another or linked to the freedom of another.
I always "interview" myself before sharing. Why am I sharing? Is it for pity? Accolades? Freedom? Connection?
Vet the people you are sharing with.
Have they shown a history of being safe? (i.e. affirming and recognizing what you are sharing and handles information with care; doesn’t shame you, ridicule you, or minimize your experience; nudges you to keep sharing so that you put language to your freedom; doesn’t interrupt you while you speak your heart; pours into you)
If they are unsafe they do not deserve to have that access to your heart. Period. No matter how long they were in your life, the type of relationship you once had, nor the expectation of how you believe they should handle your information. Believe patterns, not potential. Every human being on this planet has the potential of being a safe place for someone. The reality is that everyone is not.
Final thoughts on vulnerability:
This goes without saying, however for the sake of being thorough I will: Vulnerability and healing go hand in hand. Healing: a concept, a lifestyle, and a practice. Get into it, honey. Therapy and/or counseling is always a great place to start. A paid professional who helps people parse out their trauma and life experiences for living? That is always a great place to start, rather than emotionally dumping on others who are not being compensated for their emotional labor.
Those on the receiving end of vulnerability need to heal too! A healthy relationship cannot and will not work if the vulnerability and healing don’t go both ways. If your partner, friend, colleague (maybe?) is being vulnerable, they do not have time to coddle your feelings out of the fear that you are taking what they are sharing personal. Be considerate of the fact that it takes immense bravery to speak up. Understand that their feelings are just that — FEELINGS. They are entitled to them but they also are subject to change. Bearing this in mind makes it easier on the sharer. It is far from easy but absolutely possible.
An addendum: when there is a mutual understanding of love and support that you are rooting for the same team, that you are always for each other not fighting against one another, you find that hearing what your partner has to say becomes much easier. It becomes easier because you are not hearing through defenses. You are hearing out of nakedness. You are hearing through the pure channel of vulnerability.
Signed,
Dani J.
